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MATTHEW MURPHY |
Today was the day I had been dreading for quite some time; the moment where I had to go into the offices at ABT and discuss the state of my never-ending illness. I slept poorly last night and then awoke this morning with my mind racing through what I needed to say and how to present myself during my meeting. So much of my frustration over the past five months has been my own disappointment with my body for not coming through and getting well, which in turn keeps me from dancing. I tell myself over and over again that I have done everything in my power to ensure my well being, but somehow I still end up placing some blame on myself. When this sickness (Epstein Barr Virus) started, during the first week of Met season rehearsal, I never would have imagined it lasting this long but here I am five months later, nursing the same problems and constantly battling my brain to come to a calm emotional state.
Fortunately, I had nothing to fear because the powers that be at 890 Broadway were incredibly understanding. My voice was shaky to begin with, and I thought for a minute I might crack, but eventually I gained confidence and asserted myself as I presented the situation exactly as is. Due to the circumstances, and the short rehearsal period, it looks likely that I will be sitting out this City Center season. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with this but I feel confident that this is the only decision to ensuring my health in the long run. Being able to dance is high on my priority list, but at this point, I’ll take being healthy above everything else. Before I return to rehearsals I want to have a solid amount of time where I feel healthy (whereas I wake up every day now feeling like I partied hard last night with the flu) and the only real way to accomplish that is by taking as much time as my body needs to get back to its normal state.
For someone who is used to being so active all the time, this has been an extremely difficult blow to my personal and professional life. In a world where so often we want to describe things as black or white, I happen to be battling something that is gray, gray, gray to the core. It’s the reality of the situation and all I can do is accept it and move on. It’s a constant struggle, but something that I know I will look back on in the future as something that shaped me. Having recently turned 21, I never expected such an overwhelming health crises to overtake my life but being able to pick your battles wouldn’t make them battles would it?
After my meeting, I took a minute to check in on my friends who were busy rehearsing before heading to lunch with a few of my favorite company boys. Even though the destination of choice was Coffee Shop, the Union Square eatery with waitresses that are more over “working” than Britney Spears is over performing, spending the afternoon with Blaine Hoven, Marcelo Gomes, and Jared Matthews was exactly what I needed.
(Alex Hammoudi and Blaine Hoven (looking insanely tan) go through some steps.)
(Damn these tan people. It’s a Casper sandwich. And as much as that looks like it’s Blaine’s mangled arm reaching up to Marcelo’s face, it’s not.)
(Jared (slight Justin Timberlake look alike and recently promoted soloist) with Marcelo.)
Funny that you mention the college courses, I’m filling out an application for the LEAP program (a college program for dance professionals that my friends in SF Ballet are involved with which is just starting in NY) that I will be beginning shortly. More on that in the near future! 
